TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely out of position. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Anyone a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump Trump Tower Damascus should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he need to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort the place my PTSD can have flip-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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